Old me: “Hello, I’m sorry to have to ask, but I need to leave work early tomorrow, because (insert long-winded justification here). I hope that’s okay, let me know if this isn’t acceptable for you. Again, I’m sorry about this.”

New me: “Hello. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause, but I need to leave work early tomorrow. (Insert a more succinct justification here.) I will be leaving at (insert time).”

See the differences here? I have always been the old version – timid, hesitant, halting, and way too apologetic whenever I needed time for myself or my family. It takes a concerted effort for me to bring that new version out of myself. Even very recently, I literally typed out a message much like the first one I wrote above, and before sending it, went back and deleted all the apologizing, until it looked much more like the second one.

When you are always on the receiving end of aggression, beaten into submission and passivity, attempts to be assertive are going to feel far more virulent than they actually are. Advocating for yourself is not a hostile act after all! (I wonder if that fact will ever not come as a surprise to me when I put it into practice.) I understand too well the fear that people will react badly or that you’ll let people down if you put yourself first, but it turns out, the right people won’t do that.

Do not apologize for having needs; do not apologize for asserting those needs. And, if you can, try not to feel guilty for attending to those needs. After all, if you don’t, who will?