Narcissists have a remarkably effective gift for making you question everything about yourself. The only way they know how to get their own validation is at your expense. If you’re under the thumb of a narcissist for too long, that gaslighting really takes a toll on your self-worth and inner strength, even if you’ve managed to escape and heal. You can successfully remove that toxicity from your life, even be years into your liberation, and still be adversely affected by other people who sow seeds of self-doubt within you, whatever their motivations may be. Although that farmland of self-doubt plants was once well fertilized and now lies fallow, it is still well-primed, the plots grooved and the watering system at the ready, no matter how rusty it’s gotten.

It’s actually a matter of cognitive scientific theory. The brain’s development is such that in our early years, neurological pathways are developing at a rapid-fire rate, like construction workers feverishly building complex highway systems. Signals travel up and down those highway systems all over our bodies. Those intricate networks gradually become our understanding of ourselves (emotionally and physically), and of the world around us and how to interact with it. This covers a broad gamut, from things as mundane as tying our shoes and sidestepping physical obstacles, to more complex matters like language learning and how to do a cartwheel (which is still a skill set far beyond my capabilities). As we grow, positive reinforcement strengthens pathways while negative reinforcement diminishes pathways, going so far as to extinguish some of them. Pathways that are encouraged, bloom; pathways that are discouraged, are pruned from our cerebral functioning. What is important to remember here is that it isn’t simply that “good pathways stay and bad pathways go” – the pathways that stay and go depend on who is doing the pruning. So, for example, in theory, it is a good thing to encourage self-confidence and independence. From a narcissist’s perspective? Not so much!

Does this mean that you’ll always doubt yourself and there’s no way to build self-confidence? Not at all! First of all, self-doubt is not an experience exclusive to victims of narcissistic abuse. Everyone deals with self-doubt from time to time, and it can at times be quite soul-crushing. Self-confidence comes with time and positive experiences that can build on each other, to help you see your amazing strengths and what success you can have. This is true for all. But if you’re someone who’s dealt with being torn down for most of your life, self-doubt has become almost innate, a well-worn pathway in your psyche, and it’s a dark place you may find yourself returning to with very little provocation. So, what do you do when you’ve made great strides with believing in yourself, and a new farmer comes along to try to plant more self-doubt in your field all over again?

You find your tribe. You surround yourself with people who not only see your worth, but who help you see it too when all the dust that’s been kicked up gets in your eyes. You establish relationships with people who you can trust – and I know how hard that is, and how harmful people will work to subvert that trust. But it’s crucial. Connect with people who will help you get back up, who will help you brush yourself off, and who will remind you who the fuck you are.

Salting the earth is a term referring to the folkloric practice of sprinkling salt into the soil of conquered farmlands so that no crops would ever grow there again. It was a symbolic practice back in the Middle Ages to represent destruction, and domination – to show that you had been bested not only presently, but that your defeat would be lasting, impactful for years to come.

Toxic people salt the earth. But sooner or later, they come back for the yield they think they’re entitled to, and they will always, always reap what they sow.