It’s been an odd week. All teachers know that once spring emerges in earnest, closing in on the end of the school year, students tend to get a little off the wall, and yet somehow, we always feel a little bit unprepared for it.

On Tuesday afternoon, at the end of the school day, my second graders were outside for PE, and there was some unruly behavior that took place. End of the day, gorgeous weather, this in itself was almost to be expected. What I did NOT expect was that the unruly behavior centered around talk of crushes and kissing! I wasn’t present for any of this, so I only caught the gist of what happened as we were rushing to get packed up for dismissal, and as a result, I spent the rest of my day, and half the night overnight, thinking about what I should do. The easy answer would have been that I do nothing, but there was no way I was letting this situation go unaddressed. Students were distraught and confused, and I realized that I’d been given a clear opportunity here to help shape relationship-building skills in the right ways for a handful of amazing little people.

It was time for me to give them The Talk.

No, I do not mean the Sex Talk – not exactly, certainly not in detail. Nothing graphic. I’m referring to the Boundaries Talk.

I was nervous. I’d never given children The Talk before, and it’s more pressure when it isn’t your own children – there’s a risk of backlash, of parents getting upset that you broached such subject matter at all with their babies. I felt an acute awareness that I had only one shot to get this right, to get my point across in the right way. But I knew it was crucial.

How did I know it was crucial to have this Talk now, for my group of seven-year-olds? Because no one ever had this Talk with me. Not at seven years old, or younger, or older. Not ever.

Over time, I’ve developed a pulsating mantra for my life and my work: Be who you needed when you were younger.

So, first thing the following morning, I packed up a bunch of stuffed animals from home and brought them to school. After we had our morning announcements routine, I gathered the students up and we all sat down on the floor together – not an unusual experience in itself, as I’ve had a number of whole-class “pow wows” like this, as I call them, which were about more straightforward issues that have arisen and needed talking through. I passed around a stuffed animal to everybody, and explained that the difference between a “pow wow” and a Talk (with a capital T) is that a Talk is about something that may be difficult or uncomfortable, hence the comfort objects. The class then understood this was about to be a more serious conversation.

I like to do “Word of the Day” with my class, where I put a big funky vocabulary word up on the whiteboard almost every day and we guess at its definition before I explain what it means. So on this occasion, down on the floor, I brought a small whiteboard and marker with me, and told them I was about to teach them the most powerful word in the English language. I wrote it down, and before showing them, I asked them to guess what the word might be. They had fun saying some nonsense words for a minute. Then I showed them what I’d written.

I taught them that the most powerful word in the English language is NO.

We discussed the word “boundaries”, and what that means – how in geography, a boundary is an edge, a limit that you are supposed to recognize as where one place ends and another begins. I explained that for a person, their boundaries are their limits, the edge of what they’re okay with. Thanks in part to over two years of dealing with the pandemic, this is easy to understand in terms of physical personal space, but I explained that it also includes personal emotional space. Then we talked about how, if someone were to cross a boundary to a country – like crossing from the U.S. into Canada, for example – without proper permission (using a passport, and explaining what they’re doing to the border patrol people), they would get in big trouble, it’s not acceptable. Similarly, if a person crosses someone’s boundaries, if they invade personal space in some way without permission, it’s not acceptable. It is essential that we respect each other’s boundaries.

Teaching the kids that concept wasn’t as hard as what came next – explaining the importance of asserting and holding true to their own boundaries. When I asked them what they thought they should do if someone crossed their boundaries, they didn’t have answers. To start with, I taught them some phrasing they could use to get their point across to a person disrespecting their boundaries – I taught them to say a couple variations of, “NO, I don’t like that, you’re crossing my boundaries and you need to stop.” I assured them that they should then do their best to find an adult who can help. This was a tangible lesson they understood and absorbed very well. Then I said to them that if it’s a stranger who’s coming up to you and crossing your boundaries, that’s a pretty obvious situation where you would do all that you can to get away…but what happens if the person crossing your boundaries is someone you know, maybe someone you love? A friend, or a relative?

The effect of this confounding variable was palpable. I gently explained that our personal boundaries need, and deserve, to be respected by everyone, no matter who they are – and if a person is not respecting your boundaries, that is not okay, no matter who that person might be to you. I asked if someone had ever said to them, “If you don’t do this, you won’t be my friend anymore,” and many of their hands shot up with examples to share, about when they’d experienced that. I emphasized that if a person is crossing your boundaries or demanding you do something that you know to be wrong, they may not have been such a good friend in the first place – because people who truly love and respect you will not want to hurt you like that. I also noted that sometimes boundaries do get crossed – we’re only human – but, whether by accident or on purpose, if you cross someone’s boundary, it is your job to take responsibility for that, to apologize and do your best not to let it happen again.

To make a long story short (too late), this Talk went really well with my students, and I emailed the parents later that day to advise them of what I discussed with their children. Thankfully, it was extremely well received. Little did I know, I’d get the opportunity within this same week to see the effects of my Talk in action, and even get the opportunity for a Bonus Talk (stay tuned for details on that in my next post!).

Are these children young? Yes. Should they be taught about boundaries this young? Yes. If a Talk like the one I gave this week can help even one of these kids learn to protect themselves from trauma, I will never be sorry about it.

Do Talks like this actually work with kids this young? You bet your ass, they do.

Case in point. On Fridays, I have recess duty with the younger kids, kindergarten/first/second graders. I was taking a slow lap walking around the perimeter of the playground, when I heard a second grade boy’s voice ring out clear as a bell above all the noise of children at play, shouting firmly, “NO, I don’t like that and you need to stop!”

To be continued…