[This is a continuation of my previous post, find it here if you haven’t read that one yet.]

This week on Wednesday I had a Talk with my second graders, in which I taught them about the importance of boundaries (both respecting each other’s boundaries and how to assert one’s own), and the power of the word NO. I taught them what to say if someone is crossing their boundaries, and how no one gets to do that, even if they’re a friend or relative.

Well, on Friday, I had a rare experience – I got to see the fruits of my labor in real time. I have recess duty on Fridays with kindergarten, first, and second grades. This week, second grade was out on the playground a few minutes ahead of kindergarten, and when the kindergartners came out, second graders screamed and ran away. Naturally, a chase ensued. A couple of kindergarten boys chased a second grade boy, and when the second grade boy wouldn’t stop running away, they finally caught up to each other near the bottom of the big slide.

And so, merely two days after my Talk, I heard my student use the very tools I’d taught him. “NO,” I heard him say from halfway across the playground, “I don’t like that, and you need to stop!” By the time I got over to them, the little group had dispersed; I hadn’t seen what had happened to make him use those powerful words. So, I found out later that a specific kindergartner had not kept his hands to himself. After recess, my second graders as a group told me that this younger student had apparently called them “jerks”, and when my second grade boy told me he had also grabbed at and hit him, and that’s when he had said “NO”, I assured them I would talk to the kindergartner about that behavior.

Here’s where it gets interesting.

While my second graders had class with a different teacher, and I had a prep period, I borrowed the kindergartner in question for a few minutes. (I know all of the students in our school relatively well, it’s a small school, and I assist with the kindergarten class a couple of times a week to boot.) This normally vibrant, albeit rambunctious, boy was notably subdued when he trudged out of his classroom into the hall with me, and when I asked if he had put his hands on a second grader, he burst into tears and cried, “I wasn’t trying to hurt him, I didn’t mean to hurt him!” I’ll admit, that wasn’t how I had expected this conversation to go, so I waited patiently for him to explain his side of the story, and in his way, he told me how he and a couple other kindergartners didn’t understand why the second graders were screaming and running away, and that had really hurt their feelings, and they were just trying to catch the second graders to stop them running so they could join together to play. Clearly, it had escalated to a point where he had gotten too upset to use words. I explained to this little boy that while it’s never ever okay to put our hands on someone else, I can understand why he had gotten so upset, how sad and hurt he must have felt. I told him I would talk again with the second graders, and before the end of the day, he would have to apologize for hitting, but he was going to be receiving an apology too. He agreed to this plan. When he had calmed down, I sent him back to class, and I knew it was time for a Bonus Talk with my second graders.

I had them all sit down, and let them know I had spoken with the kindergartner who’d been unkind. I asked them to explain why they were all screaming and running away when kindergarten had come out to the playground; as I’d expected, they said they were playing a game of some kind, pretending to be scared by the kindergartners or something. Then I told them that sounded all well and good, except, the kindergartners didn’t know that, and some of the younger kids got pretty upset about it. I explained that they had been excited to play and spend time with the older students who they love and look up to, and by screaming and running away, they had made some of the kindergartners feel unwanted and rejected. I reminded them that kindergartners are much newer at recognizing and managing their feelings than they are, so that particular kindergartner reached a point where he didn’t have words anymore to express himself, and he was upset enough that he used his fists instead.

This Bonus Talk brought to them the concept of intent versus impact. Several of them had said, “We weren’t trying to upset them, we were just playing a game,” and I assured them that yes, I understand that was the intent, the action itself – but the impact was still that the younger children were upset by it. I explained that when explaining one’s intent, it’s so important not to invalidate the impact, the effect that an action has on another person. A student then asked me what I meant by the word “invalidate” – so I explained that in this kind of situation, it means that you can make a person feel like their perspective or experience isn’t real or true, and that can be really painful on top of already difficult feelings.

Essentially, if someone expresses that they are feeling upset, or hurt, or rejected, or angry, or sad – that is how they feel, and you do not get to decide that they’re not feeling that way, or that those feelings don’t really matter, just because you didn’t mean to make them feel that way.

I then sat back and watched comprehension dawn blindingly on their faces, soft “oh” sounds whispering through the classroom. They felt quite sorry for the fallout, and agreed collectively that if they were going to play such games again, it would be in a way that kindergartners could be clued in and understand it was just for fun.

Before the end of the school day, shortly before dismissal, I brought the kindergarten boy and the second grade boy together to say sorry to each other, and I got to witness the most eloquent and sincere apology I’d ever heard two children make. “I’m sorry for hitting you, I did not mean to hurt you,” said the kindergartner. “I’m sorry we hurt your feelings at recess today. We were just playing a game, and next time we won’t play that way, we don’t want to make you feel bad,” said the second grader. They shook hands and went along on their merry ways.

And that was the end of my insane Week of Impromptu Trauma-Informed Social-Emotional Education Programming. The bowl of ice cream I enjoyed that night felt pretty well earned, I must say.

To reiterate: intent versus impact means that if someone does something hurtful to you, they don’t get to decide that they didn’t hurt you just because that wasn’t what they meant. Those feelings are legitimate, full stop. The good news is, that pain can be healed, whether you’re a grown ass woman like me still healing from the trauma of a lifetime of narcissistic abuse – or you’re a second grader who made a kindergartner feel rejected and left out. We can be taught (or retaught)!