Don’t look down, they say. Don’t look back. Keep your eyes straight ahead toward where you’re going, rather than focusing on everything you’re putting behind you.

I think the intention of this advice is to encourage survivors to keep moving forward and not live in the past. Maybe that’s well-meaning. It’s erroneous advice though. For one thing, if you have PTSD, it’s not a matter of living in the past – rather, the past lives in you. For another thing, I believe that in order to know where you should go, you need to remember where you’ve been.

The world’s a circus.

Survivorhood often feels very much like a tightrope walk. It’s a careful balance of enjoying a newer, more peaceful life above it all, while acknowledging the turmoil from before and hoping the beasts of traumatic pain and memory stay in their cages below and behind you. It’s compartmentalization at its finest. Compartmentalizing is a survival skill and it continues to serve well in recovery, as long as it doesn’t become a crutch.

Compartmentalization can come to the circus wearing a costume that looks like healing.

But sooner or later, we need to get down from the tightrope on occasion and join the beasts in those cages, and sit with them for awhile. It’s the only way to tame those beasts. If we don’t, the beasts will find ways to escape and catch up to us when we’re not prepared to handle them.

I don’t think there’s an end point to the tightrope, no other side to reach. I don’t think there’s a point where trauma is ever truly gone. But I have been working through my trauma for long enough now that I am in the unique position of supporting others to find their own healing too. I never expected that people would find my story inspiring or encouraging, and as incredulous as I feel about that, it’s undeniably an honor and privilege. I’m thrilled that my words resonate so much. I write about my trauma for myself; I write about it publicly for others, because, astonishingly, doing so seems to help more than just me, and that’s worthwhile, I think. If I have an end game at all, it’s that. (Maybe there’s still a leftover element of people-pleasing, or doing for others, in this endeavor, but since it’s also part of healing for myself, I think that’s okay overall. Again – balance.)

When you’re walking your tightrope of healing, yes, face forward, look ahead. But DO look down, DO look back, and not just to tame your own beasts. For there are people in the audience who are watching you heal, and aspiring to do the same. Toss the ladder down to them if you can, when you can, to help them join you. Show them the ropes.