And an angel of G-d called to him from heaven, and said, “Abraham, Abraham!” And Abraham said, “Hineini/Here I am.” And the angel said, “Do not stretch out your hand against the lad nor do anything to him…” (Genesis 22:11-12)

This week’s Torah portion (the section of the Torah we read and study) relates the story of the binding of Isaac. Abraham is commanded by G-d to sacrifice his only son he has with his wife Sarah (he did have another son, whole other long story); they go up the mountain to prepare the sacrifice, and Isaac notes to his father that they are missing the sheep for the ceremony. Abraham tells his son, “G-d will provide.” Long story short, G-d stays Abraham’s hand, pleased by his show of faith, and Isaac lives on, to take part in making a great nation and such.

Yes, G-d will provide. Sarah was well past childbearing age when she miraculously conceived Isaac. G-d provided for her to have a child, in due time and process. Nowadays, the idea of G-d “providing” support for fertility has less to do with animal sacrifices and messages from angels, and more to do with scientific, clinical approaches. There are people in the world who feel that science has nothing to do with G-d, that the two are mutually exclusive entities. But they’re not, in my opinion. In the end, it all comes to the same thing. Who’s to say, when it comes down to it, that G-d has no hand in getting cells to multiply if they’re starting off in a Petrie dish instead of a uterus?

In my state, fertility treatments are not covered by health insurance at all. It’s a significant expense that will come all out of pocket. This is no easy feat, no small endeavor. It’s financially challenging, but on top of that, emotionally and physically, it’s scary, it’s painful, it’s difficult…I’m grappling with this devastating reality right now. There are a multitude of reasons why a woman might face fertility issues, and honestly we may never definitively know what they are. While in 2018 I conceived my daughter naturally and fairly easily, my miscarriage in February 2021 was confirmed this past week to have been a cervical pregnancy, the kind they were really concerned about when I was going through it all and they warned of a serious risk of mortality (see my blog post here about all that). Gotta love getting confirmation that I could very well have died 21-ish months ago…anyway, ever since then, issues have persisted. I’m now coming to terms with something that apparently women face far more commonly than one would think – secondary infertility, they call it.

I guess I’m trying to keep the faith right now. As it happens, my faith literally says this week, “G-d will provide.” Maybe it’s no coincidence that I was recently blessed with a notable raise at work; sure, cynics could insist my boss is just really good and generous and amazing, which is absolutely all true, but who’s to say G-d had no influence on her heart and its warmth toward me? I suppose it’s not for me to determine, but I’m utterly grateful.

Maybe G-d won’t call for me to find an unblemished ram or climb a mountain; maybe I won’t have angels sent to me in a dream. But maybe, in more modern ways, just maybe, G-d will provide. I sure hope so. I appreciate all such prayers and good vibes as well, if anyone out there is so inclined.

Hineini/Here I am.

(P.S. For the record, the painting I set as the featured image for this post is mine, entitled Hineini, which is also what the Hebrew writing on the silver tree says. I painted this when I was feeling a little lost, and thinking about how I would want to represent being found. It’s on a 12×24 canvas which means that the whole thing won’t nicely fit here digitally, but you can see most of it. This painting hangs in my classroom at school among other pieces of my work, which all serve as reminders that I’m not quite as lost as I might feel sometimes.)