Recently, I’ve been having a little trouble with a person who’s been expressing that they want me to move my boundaries and reconnect with them. (No, it’s not my mother, but, she’s a big part of the reason it’s complicated and that I’ve had to break said connection for the time being, as it is.) By now, one would think I’m a practiced hand at maintaining my boundaries, that I would have no reason to doubt myself or my reasons or my steadfastness. And yet, one emotional two-minute voicemail later (which admittedly had followed several shorter, more terse ones), I found myself hurriedly texting my therapist to ask if she had time for a half-session this week. I compartmentalized my ass off today to make it through until I could have that half-session this afternoon.

For the most part, I rambled, stumbling my way through all the important things I’ve learned over the years which I have no trouble saying to others who are dealing with similar issues. My therapist patiently reminded me of those things too, helping me reestablish that framework for how to maintain boundaries and, if desired, how to adjust them in ways I can live with. She reminded me about the “willing and able” flowchart (see blog post here for reference), and that I’m the one who dictates my own life, not other people. I affirmed that at this time, I am neither willing nor able to reconnect with this person; the other side of the coin was more about guilt over not being willing to reconnect. When push comes to shove, I don’t want to do so, not right now. We discussed my reasons for not wanting to, and I gradually felt less guilty about it – or rather, I came to terms with the fact that guilt over keeping my distance is outweighed by my desire for maintaining peace in my life (and doing my best to manage my own crazy day-to-day without adding any more monkey wrenches).

Sometimes you just need a little help to remember these basic tenets of living a life with healthy boundaries in place. Once I got through that half-session with my therapist, I felt better…for the most part. This thing about not wanting to, and feeling bad about not wanting to, it’s lingered. My therapist did a great job validating my not wanting to move my boundary at this time, and yet, that validation rankled, and rankles still. Hours later, I figured out why.

For most of my life, what I wanted was either irrelevant or grossly violated.

I’m 34, and I need help recognizing what I want and accepting that I’m allowed to have said wants. When it comes to other people – particularly women – I’m a fierce advocate for respecting a person’s autonomy and personal choice, especially with regard to our bodies, but the same validity applies to emotions and mental health as well. When it comes to my own personal autonomy, though…I guess I’m still learning what that means, what it looks like, sounds like, feels like.

Yes, there are legitimate reasons why I don’t want to move my boundaries. But what matters most, perhaps, is that I don’t want to – full stop.