I’m trying to figure out how to conduct an exorcism. Can a person perform one on themselves? “Asking for a friend,” as they say.

Suffering sexual abuse is arguably the most violating experience a person could ever go through. Aftereffects can differ from person to person of course, but from other accounts I’ve heard and based on my own experience, there’s this sense that you’re irrevocably tainted, that you’re past the point of redemption. I don’t know if that feeling ever goes away; I’ve been in therapy for almost eight years and I still haven’t shaken it. I do feel confident that if you work hard enough at it, you can relearn your worth and understand you are deserving of legitimate love and care and kindness. But there’s a part of me that I think will always consider myself damaged goods. For reasons I have yet to figure out, it’s often easier to believe negative things about oneself than positive things, even if you’re otherwise optimistic about life.

The funny thing about that feeling of violation is that it slips right back on like a glove in the event of another violation, even if the new one has different context or details. When a situation feels familiar, your survival tactic reaction gets activated all over again. Years after the original sexual abuse I experienced, I learned recently that some of my possessions were ransacked through, at the same place where the first experience happened (I don’t live there anymore). I described it to my therapist as feeling like getting violated first by the father and then by the son.

To be perfectly frank, without getting too specific, that’s actually pretty accurate.

I’ve been carrying this pain around with me for days because I haven’t had a place to put it down yet, and my body is feeling it hardcore right now. I am hurting. That line people love to say, “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” you know? Well, what didn’t kill me traumatized the fuck out of me and still lives inside my body, thanks very much. It’s still in there, and I’d like it to leave.

So yeah. That exorcism thing, it sounds like a reasonable approach, right?

For the record, I’ve never seen “The Exorcist” and actually hate horror movies, they’re a really bad choice for my overactive imagination and penchant for suffering nightmares. My point here is that I am eager to remove this pain from my body and my heart. I know as well as anyone, though, that the only way out is through, and I’m just going to have to let myself feel it and ride it out. If anyone else out there happens to be on this ride with me, well, I am sorry you’re here but I offer you my hand. We will get through this in due course.