I was on school break last week. Finally, a whole week in which I could intend to do nothing except paint and get my report cards written! (I only ended up doing one of those two things last week; the other one I’m currently racing against the clock for this week, and also procrastinating on by writing this post.)

My intentions were good, they really were. But that beach ball of sad that I’ve been carrying around for weeks, really months, now? Well, it came on break with me. And with no need to keep it in its place and compartmentalize my ass off in order to keep going and do the eleventy one things I need to do all the time, that beach ball swelled into a wrecking ball and destroyed my ability to get beyond basic functionality for a few days. Indeed, even basic functionality was a struggle. I didn’t want to get up out of bed, or eat; I did so, because I have a kid who needs me, but if it were just me, I can honestly say I’m not sure I would have bothered. I recognized those depressive symptoms in myself and felt concerned, but given that I didn’t have any immediate professional obligations to contend with, I opted to try riding out those feelings for a couple of days, and just stay self-aware if anything seemed to get too intense or escalated. These were feelings I’d buried for ages, and they just needed to be felt. They needed their time and space.

It took a few days, and a lot of painting, but those feelings did eventually pass. I woke up one day and it literally felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. The wrecking ball had shrunk back down, even smaller than it had been before, now to a baseball. Do you know how much easier it is to carry a baseball around than a wrecking ball, or even a beach ball? I am not entirely certain why the wrecking ball of sad finally and suddenly shrunk after a few days. The difference had felt abrupt to me. But here’s my theory, beyond the idea that it just burned itself out.

When one is depressed, it can be really hard to do precisely the things that we know will help us feel better. It’s essentially a feedback loop; we need to feel well enough to do the good things, but the good things are what make us feel well. There are both emotional and logistical challenges to my being able to paint. I paint at my kitchen table because that’s the best place to do it, and it isn’t a great place, since we need the table to, ya know, eat. So I need to plan around that, and I also need to drag my supplies from different rooms up into the kitchen, and sometimes they’re hard to get to if they end up behind other clutter. So the physical ability to paint is already a daunting idea; add in a dimmed motivation due to depressed feelings, and it just doesn’t happen. There are times when months go by without me putting brush to canvas, even though I know it’s almost a foolproof method to help me feel better.

All of this is to say, I know that if I’ve managed to pull out all my stuff and start painting, I must be feeling okay enough to bother in the first place. So, I think what happened last week was that I was painting, and even in the midst of my depressed mood, my mind and body and heart and soul noticed that, and said, “Hey! You’re painting! You’re okay!” And that recognition at a cellular level started to modify what was happening to me chemically; I am painting, so I must be okay, and I am okay because I’m painting. I’m okay. I’m okay. I’m okay! It emerged like a brand new melodic theme inside of me, gradually rising above the discordant notes of my sadness until that was the only tune I could hear.

I’m okay.

Do you know how often I say that and legitimately mean it, really feel it’s true? Rarely. And it’s been a long time.

Wrecking balls happen. Especially if you’re like me and shove aside your own feelings in order to function in support of others. What’s nice about wrecking balls, though, is that while they do swing on in, their momentum does eventually carry them back out again. If you’ve got it in you, doing things that help feed your soul will help push the wrecking ball along. And if you don’t have it in you — just know, that’s okay too. It passes eventually, and you will be okay.