I am an elementary school art teacher. Color is kind of my thing.

Admittedly, it’s been my thing since long before the art teacher gig. I’ve had a passion for art for most of my life, and a knack for understanding color in ways that other things have just never clicked, such as Excel spreadsheet formulas (how do we make those happen?!). I seem to be able to put colors together in ways that most might find odd until they see me do it. I have an eye for patterns and an instinct for blending. It should come as no surprise that these skills have been exceptionally useful at work. It should also come as no surprise that, working with children, I get asked the following question a lot:

“But what’s your favorite color?!”

The answer has had a few different iterations over the years, and thus begins the start of our tragic tale.

I’ve always answered this question with a lie.

Well, perhaps lie is too strong a term; I do genuinely like the colors I have reported to be my favorites, some very very much. Really it’s easier to say what colors I dislike, a short but reasonable list.

Colors I inherently don’t like include chartreuse and some shades of brown. It’s hard for me to pinpoint which shades of brown I dislike, that’s more a situational thing. As for chartreuse, I just find it off-putting. It reminds me of pea soup someone ate and then regurgitated. That being said, I do firmly believe that all colors have their place, they all can find instances where they enhance the overall picture. Just because I’m not personally a fan of theirs doesn’t mean they shouldn’t exist. Color, art, life, does not work that way.

Anyway, back to the colors I actually enjoy. Frequently I’ve answered the favorite color question with the dismissive and ambiguous comment that it changes every day. That isn’t totally false; sometimes one color feels better than the others. A lot of the time I’m drawn to jewel tones — rich purples and reds, and deep blues and greens. I use more blue paint than any other color by far. I like lavender a lot, I find it calming, much like actual lavender plants. One particular color I’ve developed a great affinity with is teal, and that’s become a color I use a lot in my classroom decor. I think I like teal because it reminds me of the ocean, which carries with that a sense of home. So lately, when asked what my favorite color is, teal is my usual answer. And it’s not that it’s untrue.

But it’s not entirely true.

I am ready, at 35 years old, to divulge the secret of my real favorite color, and the reasoning behind it might make one feel a little blue (see what I did there?). Are you ready?

My real favorite color, above all others, is a soft peachy pink. The kind of hue you see at sunrise, perhaps, or in a gently lit nursery where a baby is sleeping. And that latter example is precisely the origin of my preference. At least, I think it is.

Back in the 1980s, home videos were still a big thing, and my father had an RCA videocamera which was one of his most prized possessions. As new parents, of course they took lots of video of their firstborn child, my brother; in true fashion with most families, it was harder to spare time and energy for videoing the second kid (me), but, they did some. In short, there were two fully recorded VHS tapes with my brother’s infancy documented for posterity, and there was one VHS tape of me. I’m not resentful of this, it’s simply factual! In what I expect is not unusual, my brother and I used to enjoy watching our home videos a lot. On my tape, there was some footage of my dad recording me sleeping in my crib as a newborn, and the lighting in the room was a soft, warm, peachy glow.

That’s what my favorite color reminds me of — that soft warm light, and some limited but tangible evidence that I did have some love and attention directed my way, truly for me, at some point in my life.

It’s a rather soul-crushing explanation of a favorite color, isn’t it? But it’s true. And I’ve held that card close to my chest for an exceedingly long time, unsure how to allow myself to take up this kind of space. If this long-winded post is any indication, it’s a difficult thing to explain. A complex and fraught answer to what should be a simple question. It’s always been easier to just tell an untruth.

I really do love most colors. It’s taken me 35 years, but I have finally found the strength to admit that the color I love most…is love.