“He cannot take physical form, but his spirit has lost none of its potency.” —Saruman in The Lord of the Rings: the Fellowship of the Ring, talking to Gandalf about Sauron

Sometimes, when an animal has endured such severe maltreatment, they cower in defeat in the kennel and don’t even notice when the gate has been opened for them to allow their escape from that dark painful place. Creatures who’ve been beaten down too much, enslaved too long, don’t recognize freedom when it comes their way.

This week, I finally realized that the gate has been open for me for a long time. For many years now, ever since I cut off contact with my mother, I’ve had literal nightmares of her showing up at my door to demand I let her back into my life. The years have gone on, and I have recently learned about her failing health and the fact that she is no longer driving or even able to live independently. I am in contact with people who keep me informed about her, and the only way that works well is for them to be in close contact with her as well. I was expressing concern to my therapist that there could be a slip-up and my mother could find out I’m in touch with them, “and then it would be all over,” I said. And then I stopped myself. And then what would be all over, exactly? What would happen to me if she found out I’ve been involved? What could she conceivably do to me?

Nothing. The answer is nothing. The threat of her has no “physical form” anymore. That’s not to discount the emotional impact that I deal with, and it can’t be overstated that, much like Saruman expressed, she has quite a potent spirit, quite a lot of capability to inflict psychological damage. But I don’t have to live in fear of her anymore; I can stop having that nightmare where she shows up at my door. It no longer matters that she knows where I live; she can’t get here. She hasn’t been able to drive for many many months, apparently. I’ve been free for a long time and never realized it. To realize it now has brought a palpable relief to my body and soul. It was a revelation that literally took my breath away.

You know, Passover (which starts in a couple days), isn’t a gift-giving holiday. But recognizing my liberation on the eve of Passover seems pretty apropos. I wrote last time about feeling like I would always be wandering the desert of my own mind, and that’s not canceled out here. Psychologically it may still be eternally Egypt; in practical terms, I may conceivably be looking out onto the Promised Land, and perhaps I’ve had this vantage point for some time. It has just taken me a long while to recognize it.