A terrible thing to consider when you’re a writer. But there it is.

For years now, I’ve taught Jewish teenagers about the history and hallmarks of Antisemitism, and what to do when confronted with it. I used to think that this work gave me a preoccupation with Antisemitism, a predisposition to see it everywhere I looked. One of those, once you see it, you can’t unsee it, things. The red car effect, but for Jew hate. I used to think I was maybe a little paranoid about it. Almost overreactive. Presumptive. I had a hard time getting some of the teenagers to take my warnings seriously.

Well, it turns out I was right to be presumptive. I’d take comfort in being right, if not for the fact that what I’m right about is a global call for the death and destruction of my people. I try to maintain hope for the world, and pray for the best in people, and wish for peace for all. But it’s become so hard when the world is gunning you down in the streets and throwing Molotov cocktails at you and chanting for your death at music festivals and posting on social media that Hitler should have finished the job. I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know what to hope and pray and wish for anymore.

All I want — for me, for my family and friends, for Jews, for everyone — is the right to live in peace and safety. The right to exist with respect. For the record, in case anyone needs to learn some vocabulary, that is what Zionism is. It’s purely the right to Jewish self-determination. The right to exist as a Jew without fear of persecution. That’s it. That’s all we’re trying to do. The bar is so fucking low. People who sneer at Zionism like it’s a dirty word don’t know what it means. And people who claim to be anti-Zionist aren’t offering their opinions on a country’s government. They are saying Jews don’t have a right to exist freely, or at all.

I can’t speak for all Jews, because we absolutely are not a monolith, but after millennia of this crap, I am so damn tired. I am out of words. For someone who used to write blog posts almost weekly, this is a marked change for me and I hate it. These are the matters that consume my mind lately and, being again presumptive, I doubt said matters have much of a willing audience. So I’ve gone quiet. That’s not typical of me, at all. I am not sure if I will renew this blog again next year; I have a few months to think about it. Certainly, I do not know how frequently I will be posting. It matters to me, this blog and my writing; to the wider world, I don’t know that it makes much difference, and I feel secure in expressing that there is a great percentage of the world who thinks that I don’t matter.

If you have journeyed in the dark with me over these last few years, please know that I am so grateful. If the line I’ve drawn in the sand on this blog is now clearly one you stand on the opposite side of to me, well, I will call that par for the course. If you do stand with me though, if you stand with your Jewish friends who are so hurt and lost right now — this would be a great time to say so.

When searching for a cover photo for this post, I found one of a page from the Torah, from the book of Leviticus, in which the following passage is written: “When a foreigner resides among you in your land, do not mistreat them. The foreigner residing among you must be treated as your native-born. Love them as yourself, for you were foreigners in Egypt. I am the Lord your God.” Building on this verse, when a man asked Rabbi Hillel to convince him to teach him the whole Torah while standing on one foot, Rabbi Hillel told him, “Love your neighbor as yourself. The rest is commentary.”

If only it were that simple. It should be that simple.

To any Jewish readers: Am Yisrael Chai.