I want to start off this post by saying that Mel Robbins seems like a lovely person who’s done great work for her own life and made a huge difference in the lives of many, many others. Her talks and written works are impactful and valuable and make important self-help and self-care and self-improvement concepts accessible to millions who might not otherwise be able to get that kind of life-changing information.

That being said…I’m jealous and annoyed because the wench wrote my book. 😜

I’m kidding, really. I only mean that her latest bestseller, The Let Them Theory, describes precisely what I’ve been saying and doing and writing about for years now. From what I’ve gathered in talking to friends about this book, and my own therapist, it’s a great resource, but it’s redundant if you’re already working through these sorts of things in therapy. I am keenly aware of how lucky I am to have been working with a phenomenal therapist for going on nine years now; access to resources for therapy, even shitty therapy, are difficult to come by for far too many people. And so, if this book helps bridge that gap for people, I am all for it.

I am not really one for self-help books, even though I’m such an avid reader in general, because I’ve always felt that books about how to handle my trauma or how others have handled similar trauma might be unduly triggering for me. I’m generally one to read for escapism from my reality, not one to read about my reality. So I’ve generally avoided this whole genre of books. I only started trying to read Robbins’ book because I happened to win it as a prize in a staff meeting contest. Well, actually, I won a different book and swapped with a colleague who wanted to read the one I got, and I had a morbid curiosity about this one. We’re going to swap back later this summer. But I digress. I’ve only read the introduction and first chapter so far, and again, I truly applaud the hard work Robbins has done to change her life and that of so many others. That being said, nothing here has been revelatory for me yet. I’ll keep reading for a bit and see if there are some deeper dives. To be clear, if you think this book would be helpful to you, I do recommend it so far. Just because it isn’t mind-blowing for me doesn’t mean it won’t help you.

Here’s the gist of what I’ve said for ages and what Robbins says with this book:

Let them.

…Okay, okay. Enough tedious joking. In other words, focusing your time and energy and feelings on what other people think and do and say is fruitless. You cannot control other people. You can only control what you think and do and say. If other people do things you don’t like, or don’t like the things that you do…guess what? Let them. To use a fun and trendy phrase, that is a them problem. And the key to happiness and peace in your life, according to Robbins and myself, is to let them be them, and not let their them problems inside your heart and mind and body and become you problems.

I am somebody who was born and raised to eclipse myself with the gargantuan task of always fulfilling the needs of other people. The idea that I should simply stop internalizing everyone else’s problems as being mine to solve was a revelation — almost a decade ago — and I have been working very hard at it. People-pleasing is an extremely difficult instinct to unlearn. Even after years of trying to disentangle my self-worth from the opinions and actions of the outside world, I struggle. Even this past week, I finished a new painting that I felt quite proud of, and when I shared it, someone decided to share with me a long rant about its biological inaccuracy. (For the record — I know that dragonflies can’t land on water; it’s an impressionist painting, and the dragonflies are made of wire and paper, it’s not meant to be realistic for fuck’s sake.) Their words made me very sad about the whole thing for awhile. I went to bed crying. Then I woke up the next morning and remembered that I am an artist and I can paint whatever I want. Inevitably, people are going to have opinions about art (and everything), and they won’t all be favorable. But you know what? Let them. What I won’t do is let them stopper my creativity. I’ve been down that road before, and won’t travel it again.

My point is, I don’t think the “Let Them” approach is as easy as it sounds. I haven’t finished reading the book yet, so I can’t confirm if Robbins also asserts this point. But I’ll make it here. I think there’s always a balance to strike between letting yourself feel hurt or angry or sad (or thrilled or confused or overjoyed or excited or anxious or…) about the things other people do and say, and then coming to recognize that they don’t have to rule you. Letting people have their own business without taking it on yourself is important. But we don’t all exist in a vacuum; we can’t just go about our day as if we’re above it all. Spoiler alert: we’re not. We all impact each other, in all kinds of different ways, positive, negative, and benign, intentionally and unintentionally. The key is to process the feelings you experience as they present themselves, without losing yourself in the processing process.

I know, it’s easier said than done. I guess the main umbrage I have with most self-help books and programs is that they present a problem to be faced and then try to sell their solutions with methods that sound simple. But nothing is simple. The only way to improve, heal, or change, is to do the work. Reading books is one thing. Applying the methods books teach you is quite another.

So here’s the bottom line. People gonna people. Let them. Let yourself have your feelings about it. And then, do the work to get to being the best version of yourself that you can.

It takes time, and effort. Much more time and effort than reading a New York Times bestseller. But if I’ve learned anything at all from resurrecting myself in therapy over the last nine years, I know beyond doubt that it’s worth it.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have another painting to start working on!

Disclaimer: I make no profits or gains from sharing anything about the book The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, and have no affiliation with her whatsoever, though I wish her well!