I’ve been thinking a lot in the last week or two about how it could be possible that I came from such horrible people and didn’t turn out the same as them. I got paranoid that I surely must be horrible and not know it, because what were the odds otherwise?

My therapist wouldn’t let me entertain that paranoia for a second, which is to her credit, because I needed to be talked off the mountain there. Still, I struggled to understand. But she told me, repeatedly, that some people take their pain and turn it on others, while other people take their pain and absorb it, diminishing or sparing the impact on the people around them. She had to say these words to me a few times before I could start to process it, reminding me about the direct correlation between unprocessed trauma and chronic pain/illness.

The more I allowed myself to think about this idea of absorbing trauma instead of expelling it, the more it reminded me of machinery and mechanisms of weaponry. My brother and mother handle their trauma like machine guns. Meanwhile, I jumped on a grenade. It led me to think of the chronic pain that fills my body as shrapnel, tiny fragments everywhere of the damage that was done, much of which is irremovable. I don’t have the luxury of setting my pain aside; I have no choice but to carry it around with me. I won’t say this new level of understanding brings me any peace. On the contrary, right now it only makes me feel more hyper-aware of it, demanding that its existence be acknowledged and tended to. I’m working on it, and it is very, very hard.

This metaphor of war wounds is very telling when you consider how there is an established corollary between the altered brain chemistry of combat veterans battling PTSD and the altered brain chemistry of those who endured complex trauma as children. There are studies where brain scans of both groups showed identical neurological impacts. Heightened activity in the amygdala impacts the brain’s ability to recognize threats, increasing hyper-vigilance and negatively affecting ability to regulate one’s emotions and process fear. They may even have larger than normal amygdalas, indicating a maladaptive response to sustained stress. Levels of neurotransmitters like cortisol (the stress hormone), as well as serotonin and dopamine (happiness hormones) can get out of whack and be processed abnormally, which in turn causes the prefrontal cortex to develop abnormally, interfering with success in executive functioning. (See below for a couple of sources that explain all of this with, hopefully, not too much jargon. I encourage you to seek more sources if you’re so inclined.)

In light of recent developments I wrote about previously (some details of which I abstained from sharing), I am still trying to understand the differences between myself and my brother, which I am realizing now must have been crucial. I keep thinking about our childhood, and the grossly different ways in which our trauma ended up manifesting for us. Inevitably, I also can’t help thinking of the few positive memories we shared too. I’m trying not to push those bits of throbbing shrapnel aside, because I know I’m supposed to pay attention to them, even while my brain prefers to contemplate neurology because it’s a comparatively pleasant distraction.

Have you ever wondered how a homeless person, or a person with schizophrenia, or a drug addict, gets that way? Have you ever wondered about the dots that connected for them to end up in that situation?

My brother uses his trauma like a machine gun. He is all three of those things. All of the above. And I no longer have to wonder, because now I know. And it hurts like hell.

Because I took the grenade.

Sources (just a few of many):
https://www.charliehealth.com/post/how-trauma-affects-the-brain#:~:text=It%20can%20affect%20the%20function,as%20the%20prefrontal%20cortex%20mature.
https://www.iasp-pain.org/publications/relief-news/article/fmri-brain-scan-impact-of-physical-abuse-on-children/
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202407/how-childhood-trauma-can-impact-the-brain#:~:text=Understanding%20the%20neurobiological%20underpinnings%20of%20trauma%20could,promoting%20recovery%20and%20mitigating%20long%2Dterm%20health%20consequences.