(Notice the fun I’m having with Sinead O’Connor’s lyrics?)

In my previous post, I explained how I used to frequently downplay my traumatic and painful experiences, insisting others have had worse. Honestly, it’s a common deflection, certainly nothing unique to me. But undeniably, there’s no good reason to invalidate yourself – plenty of people out there will do it for you, after all.

Directly related to my habitual self-invalidation was my understanding of how to define self-worth. I had no frame of reference for how to place value on my skills, interests, talents, and successes, in any way that was separate and independent from my family’s. If I was good at something, that was either a direct reflection of something my brother could not do, or that my mother surely had directly influenced or affected. If I generated excellence, that excellence did not belong to me. And, of course, the exact foil of this was that if I did anything perceived as wrong, it was an intolerable offense to them; as such, I never really rebelled as a teenager. I was a mouthy, sassy kid in elementary school, but became a quiet and studious high schooler. Trained from birth to people-please, the idea that I could do things just to spite my family, that I could give in to selfish impulses, wasn’t part of my reality, and as such, neither was the idea that anything good about myself was actually about me. That trend continued through to my late 20s. Indeed, at my wedding, part of my mother’s cringeworthy toast was that she had “done a good job” (presumably with raising me, or with my choosing a good husband, or something…? I’ve honestly done a good job blocking out most of this memory other than this bit of choice phrasing, but my friends can affirm the details for me).

What does this mean as an adult? Well, I have a hard time accepting praise. I don’t know how to be proud of myself. I’m an over-analytical perfectionist. The spotlight makes me very uncomfortable (I don’t even really like opening gifts in front of people, birthdays and holidays were a nightmare for me growing up). I struggle hardcore with the word “deserve”, the idea that I am deserving of good things all on my own. And when I am recognized for a job well done, it always, always comes as a huge surprise.

Prime example: this week I was informed that I had been nominated for, and won, an award for noteworthy Jewish people under age 36 in my area, who’ve been making strong positive contributions to our community. (For those who don’t know – I teach about Antisemitism and Holocaust studies to seventh graders at my temple’s Sunday School, as well as teaching second grade at the local Jewish private elementary school, and also teach classes in the Jewish community high school program.) Anyway, I was floored; I’d never heard of this award and couldn’t believe that people would think of me in this way – or think of me at all. I listened to the representative from the Jewish Federation chapter explain things to me, and all I could think when he said I had won this award was, WHY? (I sure hope I didn’t blurt that question out loud!) Surely there are more worthy candidates than myself. I haven’t done anything that I wouldn’t do normally, and winning this award won’t change that either. I’m utterly honored, and it’s lovely to be recognized for something you do with such passion and thought and care. …But I don’t know what to do with that, at least not intuitively. I have had to explicitly learn what to most people (presumably) comes naturally – how to be appreciated. It’s still a work in progress.

In case you are like me, and want to freeze up like a deer in headlights when the spotlight comes on, here are some pointers:

1. Say thank you.
2. Say it’s an honor, or your pleasure, whatever makes sense in context.
3. Admit that it’s a lovely surprise to hear you were considered – that’s not too odd, though people don’t need to know the depths to which it is so odd for you.
4. If they require anything from you as part of this recognition (e.g. a headshot, or a written summary of your accomplishments or involvement), it’s best to follow through on that right away, before you start can obsessing and second-guessing.
5. Make sure they have your current contact information, and that you have theirs, just in case – that’s just good manners, and there may be more followup needed later.
6. Take some deep breaths. Allow yourself to smile. Call your closest friend (or your therapist, or both), who understands your mindset, to work through the feelings that are bubbling to the surface. They can remind you that this is YOUR accomplishment, and it’s a GOOD thing.
7. Take another deep breath.
8. The following day (unless there’s specific reason to hold off on it), if you know who nominated you for an award, contact them to thank them. You don’t have to dive deep (see pointer number 3), but you’ll feel like it’s more full-circle if you acknowledge the acknowledgement, it takes a bit of the pressure off. (This one may not always be applicable, but it’s a good thing to do in circumstances where relevant.)
9. Take more deep breaths.
10. Go on – eat your dinner in a fancy restaurant. You deserve it.