I am an elementary school teacher.

Every morning before I leave my house, I run through a mental checklist to make sure I have everything I need. Keys, phone, wallet, face mask, lunch bag, computer, assignments I keep meaning to grade…

Do I need to add bulletproof vest to my checklist?

Teaching is not supposed to be a high-risk vocation.

Last night, feeling shell-shocked and heartbroken, I made a simple, imploring Facebook post, asking what kind of world we live in. Two different people commented that it’s “not the world, it’s America”, as if we are the only hot fucking mess of a country that exists. First of all, we’re part of this world, are we not, and second of all, have you looked at the world lately? Nevertheless, if anyone is going to argue semantics with me right now, they’re trifling with the wrong bitch.

Someone said to me that this is about guns. It is not about guns. It is about children and teachers’ lives, and how we are nothing more than pawns for the big cats’ goddamn chessboard. No one should assume that my choice to use the word “world” implies I am out of touch with the problem at hand.

I have to go to school today, and not just teach but protect 45 little lives, of whom I am directly responsible for nine. My nine amazing second-graders, who have hopes and dreams and anxieties and talents and passions and challenges and such a gregarious appetite for learning. Nine second-graders whom I have taught about the ocean and the rainforest, about addition and subtraction, about paragraph writing and reading with expression. Nine second-graders whom I have taught about boundaries and managing anxiety and handling arguments with friends and how best to help if you see someone in need. Nine second-graders whom I have taught in simple terms about the war going on between Russia and Ukraine, so that they understand guns and violence in an abstract and far-off sense. How do I teach them that guns and violence are not abstract and far-off at all, but right in our backyard?

I have to go to school today and do my job, with the hope that it won’t put my life or the lives of my incredible students at risk. I have to go to school today, where just yesterday we were conducting a staff interview and debated the necessity of armed security in our building, while unbeknownst to us, a gunman in Texas struck down 19 children and two teachers, may their memories be a blessing. I am as aware as anybody of what it’s about, and I have to go to school today, and be there for my kids and my fellow teachers, and soldier on.

I have to go to school today.

I just need to know. Do I need to add bulletproof vest to my morning checklist?