You know what is so vitally important, but royally sucks fucking ass to do?

Teach children about 9/11, that’s what.

Last year I wrote about the uniqueness of sharing the experience of that fateful day with my students, in the context of collective trauma which said students (thank G-d) do not share. Their shock when I explained that I watched it happen on live television (live?! Yes, dears, live.)… Some of them were able to share little bits about what their parents were doing on that morning or where their family members were, but for the most part they didn’t have specific connections to it. I’m hoping that taking time and space for teaching about it helps them find that connection, in an age appropriate way of course.

This year’s discussions have reignited that trauma in my mind and heart in a different but still vivid way. I feel that visceral sadness and anger today as if it were not twenty two years ago at all, and in addition, there’s a new layer of grief now, because the prevailing question my students had for me was one I have no way of ever really answering.

Why. They want to know why.

What would make someone want to do this? Why would they do this, why would they hurt so many people? Why?

Why?

I’m no stranger to teaching about topics that attempt to bring sense to the insensible. I’ve been teaching about the Holocaust and Antisemitism for many years now, for Pete’s sake. So I won’t say that having kids ask me why terrorists hijacked planes and caused the deaths of nearly 3,000 people, injuries of over 6,000 more, and left 1.8 million tons of wreckage behind in Manhattan that took nine months to clear up, brought me up short.

What I will say is that I hate moments like this, where you watch the children pick up a tiny little piece of the burden that means being human in today’s world. Where you can see in their eyes the instant that they have no choice but to grow up just that little bit, in order to process the fact that truly horrific and terrible things happen. I’ve said for a long time now that every year I watch my seventh graders rise to the occasion when we start learning about the nitty gritty details of the Holocaust. The truth is, they don’t have much choice in the matter, when it comes down to it, because the alternative would be to not take anything seriously at all, and that isn’t a world we have the liberty of living in anymore. Not since 9/11, anyway, in my experience.

In case you’re wondering how I answered the question, well, first I told them that indeed that was the most difficult question to try to answer, and I can’t answer it perfectly. Then, I explained that in the chaos of today’s world, everyone is trying their best to make sense of it. Unfortunately, there are instances where the sense of order that some people find will end up causing chaos for other people. Such was the case on 9/11, to an extreme degree.

It’s important to highlight the incredible strength of those who helped — first responders and brave civilians alike. I made sure to do that. But I couldn’t teach about 9/11 without being honest about those feelings of terror and chaos that ruled the day. When a student asked what a terrorist is, I defined the word as a person who causes chaos. I emphasized the importance of avoiding stereotyping, which was a significant negative after-effect in the months and years that followed 9/11. My students took that point at face value, and it will serve them well in the social studies lessons to come this year. I noted that it is equally important to remember 9/12 — to remember how everyone came together to support each other and to heal. As this week goes on, I’ll elaborate a little more on that with them. But today, I had to make room for the trauma itself in order to teach about it, and I hadn’t quite thought through the fact that this meant I was going to have to feel it again.

So, I’m feeling it now. It hurts. I hate it. Twenty two years later, I still hate it. I’m sure you all do too. I see you, and I offer you what love I can, what balm for the pain we can scrounge up. Maybe this here will help:

When I wonder what the reason is that I teach, what it is that keeps me going to school each day…especially when I wonder why I teach Sunday school, which is not my full time job, but something I choose to give up my time and energy for…

When I wonder what I’m doing, why I bother, why I make myself teach children about these abhorrent events year after year after year…

And the biggest question they have, in a nutshell, is why oh why isn’t there more love in this world…

I remember their potential. I remember the world’s potential, to bring it back around to kindness and compassion and respect for all. Because they’ll bring it there.

That is why.