I’ve officially discovered a new limit for my body, and it’s depressing me.

Apparently I can no longer handle the labor of love that is making eggplant parmigiana. This is a dish I once used to cook excellently and often, to the point where I had been asked to make six trays of it for my once-stepsister’s wedding many moons ago. To be so defeated by it now is a bitter pill to swallow.

I bought the ingredients last weekend and thought I’d get around to it during the week — which was laughably absurd. So I assured myself I’d get to it on Saturday (today). But I also needed to make significant headway on my report cards, and I chose to work on the report cards first, which took hours. So I finally started working on the eggplant at like 4:30PM. It absolutely doesn’t help that I was already tired starting out.

But my damned hands don’t function like I want them to anymore. They don’t do what I tell them, not without putting up a fight. Peeling and slicing the eggplant was excruciating and I did not get the clean, even slices I used to accomplish for this dish. Whisking up the egg wash and tossing seasonings into the breadcrumbs made it even worse. Dredging the wonky eggplant slices was a mess. Then came the frying, which means prolonged standing, and repeated arm and shoulder movements. Then I had to slice the mozzarella. Then I had to pull out the ricotta (not an addition I always use but it’s tasty) and the sauce and the Parmesan cheese and the pan and its lid, and assemble it all.

Every part of my body hurts so much I feel nauseated. To add insult to injury, I have no strength or energy left to clean up the kitchen now. I tried to clean as I cooked, but I’m all out of gas for it now and what’s still out will have to wait until tomorrow.

I’ve been seeing a rheumatologist, and the diagnostic conclusion they’ve come to is that I have nonradiographic spondyloaxial arthritis. From what they have said and what I have read, it is not that common. To me it just sounds like a dinosaur name. Essentially, it’s a form of arthritis that is frequently not able to be detected by tests or scans but has presentational hallmarks such as significant pain in the spine and SI joints (where my most severe pain lies), as well as significant pain and weakness in other joints such as the hands, shoulders, ankles, and feet. All true for me. I’d lived with steadily increasing pain and discomfort for years until the impact on my quality of life was undeniable and no longer tolerable. I can’t even mix up tuna salad without facing extreme pain in my hands. I have to take breaks when stirring. Walking any sort of longer distance has become challenging; I’ve started using a cane when needed. I frequently go much slower than I once did. I am working on accepting my reality, accepting and respecting my limitations. The approach of just powering through is no longer feasible for me.

Now I have to add eggplant parmigiana to the list of things I used to do well and now have to shelve. I know it’s just food, but it feels like a low blow. I am passionate about cooking, it’s been one of my favorite hobbies for many years now. I’m learning to adapt and I know that I can still enjoy cooking — but not this way, not dishes this involved.

Thanks for the memories, eggplant. It was nice knowing you.