My seven-year-old has had the audacity to keep growing, and found herself in need of new swimsuits this year. Remember, we are already into June; for some reason, swimsuit sales took place months ago when I wasn’t emotionally prepared to consider it, so, now I’m scrambling. Oh well!

So, I went to Target today to see what swimwear I could find, and also thought I’d see if I could pick up a couple more tank tops. If you’ve ever visited the girls’ clothing section at Target, you know it is a little bit like hunting in a neon cotton jungle. The clothing foliage is thick and nonsensically arranged and you only find the size you’re looking for if you walk softly and carry a big stick. Still, I found a couple of tank tops at one table, and noticed some others at another table, including one cute blue one with a design near the right shoulder. Everything this year seems to have different beach/cabana/vacation themes, which is fun. This blue tank top design had a little wave and sun and said Bondi Beach Surf Club, or something to that effect.

I liked the tank top. The blue color would have looked nice on my daughter. Beach theme is totally my jam. Hers too.

But reading Bondi Beach on it….I felt like I’d been punched in the stomach in the middle of Target. This past Hanukkah, Jews were massacred at Bondi Beach in one of the most violent terror attacks Australia has ever known. And I can’t unknow that. I can’t unfeel that. I can’t buy my daughter a carefree summer top right now that bears the name of a place where carefree summer was ripped away from so many innocent people.

Not everyone will think of this the way I do. Not all Jews will think of this the way I do. Plenty of people will surely think, it’s just a tank top, and if they like it enough for their kid and are lucky enough to find the right size, they’ll surely buy it. And that’s okay. I am not here to pass judgment or demand protest. I am only saying that it simply wasn’t something I could do. Because while I thought I wasn’t emotionally prepared to buy my kid new swimwear in April, I absolutely wasn’t emotionally prepared in June to see Bondi Beach on a tank top in Target and freeze up for a good few minutes there, taken over by the memory of that pain.

It is important to acknowledge that obviously I wasn’t a victim of the Bondi Beach terror attack. I’m not looking to claim anything of the sort. But I do know what anti-Jewish hate feels like. I do know the fear and anger and helplessness that come from witnessing such horrible things, even from afar. I was around nine years old when the Columbine shooting happened. I was just shy of 13 when I watched planes bring down the Twin Towers. I’ve grown up with news reaching my ears almost daily of different school shootings and terror attacks and all sorts of violence against other people, and of late, far too much, specifically against my own people. That changes a person. It changes what they can tolerate.

Maybe others can tolerate a Bondi Beach tank top. But it’s a no from me.